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One of the hardest lessons that youll ever have to learn is not Chemistry, Calculus or even the laws of Physics. It has nothing to do with history, English Literature or understanding why Maya Angelous caged bird sings. Its how to recognize and get out of an abusive relationship.
Perhaps he only hits you when hes angry. Maybe he doesnt hit you at all. Instead he calls you names, tells you that youre nothing without him and tries to control every move you make. Or maybe he doesnt do any of these things but theres a little voice inside your head telling you that YOURE TREADING ON DEADLY GROUND. You cant quite put your finger on it. Youre not entirely sure how to explain it. But you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that theres something horribly wrong going on. Youre too afraid to ask for help, but too afraid not to. Paralyzed by fear and blinded by love you dont know which way to turn or how to set yourself free.
If this is happening to you, then you are in an abusive relationship. Regardless of what he tells you or what you may think, you dont have to take it. And believe it or not, you are not alone. Studies show that one out of five women have experience violence or emotional intimidation in their relationships.
Dating violence is very serious, because many of these relationships end in hospitalizations and some even end in death. And just like you, they all thought it wouldnt happen to them. This is why it is critical that you seek help and get out if you are in an abusive relationship. The longer you stay the worse your situation will get. I know its hard to imagine being without him because you love him and you really want to believe that things will get better. But they wont unless you leave.
Laurie age 19 says, " The first time my boyfriend hit me, I couldnt believe it. He saw me kiss one of my male friends on the cheek and totally flipped out. He waited until we were alone, dragged me behind the building and beat me down to the ground. He told me that it was my fault because I shouldnt be kissing on other guys when I already have a boyfriend. Could you believe that I stayed with him for two more years after that?"
Michelle age 17 says, " Rick was the most popular guy in school. I couldnt believe he wanted to go out with me. He could have any girl he wanted and he chose me. He had a nice car, bought me jewelry and made me feel like I was special. But three months into the relationship things changed. He would call me a bitch or a whore if I even looked at another guy. He told me if I ever left him he would kill me. I didnt believe him until he took out a gun and pulled the trigger. Luckily it wasnt loaded."
Brenda age 21 says, " Ive been with Miguel since I was 16. We use to play fight but then it would turn serious. He would choke me and pull my hair. He told me that no one else wanted me because I was fat. I was carrying his baby thats why I was fat. But he didnt care. sometimes if he got real angry he hit me in my stomach. He blames me for everything. Half the time I didnt know what was wrong. If he went out all night with his friends I was supposed to sit by the phone and wait. But if I wanted to hang out with my friends Miguel would have a fit. Even though he hit me it was the name-calling that hurt me the most. I can take a punch, but I dont like him calling me a "bitch".
If you or someone you know is in a situation like Laurie, Michelle, or Brenda then you have got to get help and get out . Dating violence happens everywhere and with all kinds of people. Violence is not a normal part of dating. It is not healthy. Hitting and jealousy are not signs of love they are signs of control. Every violent relationship has the potential of ending in murder. Even if the guy doesnt mean to kill his girlfriend it can happen. Are you willing to take that chance?
What Is Relationship Abuse?
Relationship abuse occurs when you are threatened, coerced, intimidated, insulted or assaulted by the person you are in a relationship with. Relationship abuse is not the same as having an argument. In an abusive relationship one person is afraid of, or intimidated by the other. Relationship abuse does not just happen one time, it is something that happens over and over again. There are three kinds of relationship abuse: emotional, physical, and sexual.
Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse can be difficult to detect because its not as obvious as physical or sexual abuse - but it is damaging none the less. Emotional abuse includes name calling, put downs, being told that you are worthless or ugly, being unfavorably compared to other females, being humiliated, embarrassed, threatened, and ordered around.
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is hitting, pushing, slapping, kicking, and pulling your hair, punching, choking, throwing things at you or pulling weapons out on you. Physical abuse usually becomes more violent as the relationship progresses. The longer you stay the worse the beatings get. Physical abuse is used to scare you, restrain you and control you. Hitting is not an act of love. It is an act of violence.
Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse occurs when you are forced, intimidated, manipulated or coerced into participating in a sexual act which can include intercourse, oral sex, fondling or any other type of sexual act. Perhaps he didnt force you to have sex but he coerced , intimidated or manipulated you into having sex. Thats still sexual abuse and it is not your fault. Maybe he threatened to leave you or spread rumors about you if you didnt have sex with him. If he did then you were coerced. And you dont have to take it.
What Are Warning Signs That Will Tell You If Your Boyfriend Has The Potential To Be An Abuser?
The reason so many young women get trapped in abusive relationships is because they dont know what the early warning signs are. Answer these questions and find out if your boyfriend has the potential to be an abuser.
· Is your boyfriend jealous and possessive?
· Does he try to tell you who to talk to and who you should be friends with?
· Does he become angry and agitated the moment you talk to another guy?
· Does he constantly accuse you of flirting with other guys or cheating on him?
· Does he tell you what to wear?
· Has he ever called you out of your name?
· Does he try to make you feel guilty if you cannot see him?
· Does he ask you your whereabouts whenever hes unable to reach you?
· Does he try to isolate you from your friends and family?
· Does he have a violent temper?
· Have you ever seen him call another female out of her name?
· Do you find yourself apologizing to your friends for your boyfriends remarks or behaviors?
· Does he threaten to leave you if you dont do what he wants?
· Does he insist on seeing you during all of your free time?
· Do you feel you have to ask him permission before you make a decision?
· Does he spy on you or call you constantly to see what you are doing?
If you answered yes to any of these questions then your boyfriend has the potential to be an abuser. Pay attention to the warning signs and listen to your intuition. If you think that you may be in danger then leave before its too late. Talk your feelings through with someone you trust and listen to what your intuition is telling you to do. Dont make excuses and dont try to talk yourself out of your feelings.
Are You In An Abusive Relationship?
Many young women do not realize that their relationship is abusive because their boyfriends behave like Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. One day he is loving and attentive the next day he is violent and enraged. Abusive relationships become more violent over time. Usually an abuser doesnt start hitting his girlfriend until he feels comfortable in the relationship or she tries to leave him. For your own safety and well-being you need to know if your relationship is abusive. You may have even noticed that there is a predictable pattern to your relationship. Your boyfriends moods and behavior may go back and forth in a cycle. This is known as the cycle of violence. Ill explain this cycle as we go along.
To figure out if you are in an abusive relationship ask yourself these questions.
· Are you afraid of, or intimidated by your boyfriend?
· Have you ever lied to your friends and family to cover up your boyfriends behavior?
· Are you afraid to make new friends, because you dont want to upset your boyfriend?
· Has your boyfriend ever pressured you to do something that made you feel dirty or uncomfortable?
· Has your boyfriend ever put you down, ridiculed you or hurt you in any way?
· Does he slap, shove, kick, shake, pull your hair or throw things at you?
· Has he ever threatened you?
· Has he ever pulled a weapon out on you?
· Do you not see friends and family because of his jealousy?
· Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells in order to keep him happy?
· Have you been secretive or afraid to tell others about your boyfriend?
· Does he drink, use drugs then becomes violent?
· Does he follow you or constantly make you check in with him?
· Has he ever threatened to hurt you, someone you love, or himself if you leave him?
If you answered yes to any of these questions then you are in an abusive relationship. You may think its no big deal. But it is, because it will only get worse. The reason it is so difficult to end an abusive relationship is because an abuser is not always behaving abusively. This is the cycle of violence that I referred to earlier. Barrie Levy author of, " In Love and In Danger: A Teens Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships," says that every abusive relationship goes through a three-tier cycle.
Stage 1. The Tension Building Stage
This is the stage where the tension begins to build. You boyfriend becomes more irritable, agitated and explosive. He blows up over little things, lashes out and is extremely critical of you. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells or stay out of his way in order to keep him calm. The tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife.
Stage 2. The Explosion Stage
This is the stage where your boyfriend strikes out - either physically or verbally. He calls you names, throws things at you or assaults you. The longer you stay together the worse the explosions become. Perhaps this time it was a shove or a slap, maybe next time it will be a punch, a kick, or a visit to the emergency room.
Stage 3. Honeymoon Stage
This is the stage where he tells you how sorry he is and swears that it will never happen again. This is what keeps the two of you together. He promises to control his temper. You promise not to upset him. He buys you flowers and candy or writes you passionate love letters. He tells you how much he loves you and that you are the center of his universe. You both make excuses. And you take him back hoping he really means it this time.
What Can You Do If You Are Being Abused?
If you are in an abusive relationship seek help and get out. Talk to someone who can help - a counselor, a teacher, your family, a minister or a trusted friend. There is a listing of helpful numbers in the resource section of this book that can help you figure out your options. There are people who want to help you. You do not have to go through this experience alone. Youve already taken the first step by reading this chapter. You can begin helping yourself by recognizing that you are lovable, capable and worthwhile and you have the power to heal from this experience. You may feel ashamed, afraid, alone or even depressed but you can move past this and come out stronger. What you need most is time and support to heal. You deserve to be safe. You deserve love that is not violent or abusive. You deserve to go to bed at night not feeling afraid. Here are some things that you can do to be safe.
Take The Abuse Seriously
Dating violence is serious business. Youve got to take your situation seriously if you want the abuse to stop. Insist that your boyfriend go for counseling to get the help he needs. If you are not ready then at least take a time out period from your relationship until he completes an anger management or counseling program. If he refuses then you must leave for good.
Talk to Someone
Tell someone what is happening. Talk to your family or a trained professional who can help you work through your feelings. You need support to figure out what to do. Talking to your friends can help you get your feelings out but you need the support of your family along with a professional to get through this. If you have been in an abusive relationship for a while, friends and family may already suspect what is going on. They want to help but they may not know how. Keep talking until you find someone who can help you feel safe.
Develop A Safety Plan
If you think that your boyfriend will become violent when you try to cool things off or leave him plan for your safety. Think about whatever you can do not to be alone with him or in the same vicinity. Arrange for friends and family to meet you after school or work. Walk to and from classes with other people. Let your family, roommates or answering machine screen your calls. If you are going out, make sure that someone knows where you are how to contact you, and what time you are coming back. This way if you are not back at that time you said you would be, someone can look for you or call the police.
Plan for Your Safety Now
I will have important numbers on me at all times.
My local precinct # __________________ Counselors # _______________
Friends # ________________________
Domestic Violence Hotline # _________________________
I can tell ________________ and _________________ about my situation and ask them to call the police if they hear or see anything suspicious
If I need a place to stay I can go to (list 3 places) _____________________
_________________________ ____________________________
I can avoid places that Ill see my ex such as
__________________ __________________ ___________________
If I feel like going back to him I will call __________________ to talk things through and help me figure out what to do.
Let the legal system help you
Your boyfriends violence against you is a crime. You can go to the police, your principle, the counselor or the campus security to a file a complaint. You can also get an order of protection against him which is an order by the court that says your abuser has to stay away from you. If he violates the order then he can be arrested. Domestic violence is a serious matter and its also against the law.
Join a Support Group
Sometimes it helps to talk to other people who are going through the same situation as you. A support group is a safe place to share your experiences, listen to the experiences of others and figure out how to handle problems when they arise. You dont have to worry about feeling stupid or being judged because everyone in the group is going through a similar situation. To find a support group in your area speak to a counselor at school, a friend or call one of the hotlines listed in the resource section of this book and ask for a listing of places to go for help.
Do positive things that boost your self-esteem
Spend time with old friends and start making new ones. The simple task of keeping yourself busy will do wonders for your self-esteem. Join a community service project. You will be amazed at how much better youll feel when youre doing good deeds and helping others. Not to mention the great new friends you will make. Take a workshop. Read a good book. Listen to music - no sad songs. Fix up your bedroom. Make a gift basket for a friend or family member who you havent seen for a while. The more you get out, the more youll realize how much fun life can be without him.
Building a healthy relationship takes work and emotional maturity
In a healthy relationship you are not afraid of your boyfriend. When one of you gets angry you find a healthy way to resolve the situation. You are able to spend time alone and do things together. You do not feel pressured to have sex. You feel appreciated and cared for.
The bottom line is dangerous love can turn into deadly obsession. And there is no good reason to subject yourself to that. While it may be frightening to leave a violent relationship its far more dangerous to stay. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. You deserve to be safe. Its your life and you have the power to take control of it. Look how far youve come already.
Romantic love can be exciting, passionate and sometimes addicting. But what you have to keep in mind is when he loves you to death he may send you to the grave to prove it.
Copyright © 2000 by Cassandra Mack
Cassandra Mack, MSW is the CEO of Strategies for Empowered Living and the author of "Cool, Confident and Strong: 52 Power Moves for Girls." She produces and hosts an internet talk radio show, The No More Drama Hour of Power, which can be heard by going to: http://www.caribworldradio.com To find out more about the author go to: http://www.strategiesforempoweredliving.com
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