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Men view their early adult years as the years to have fun and to experiment with the opposite sex. They would like to really know a variety of women before they take that big step of settling down with just one. They have reached an age where they are no longer under the clutches of their mother. They want to experience a sense of freedom and the opportunity to make their own decisions. Settling down with one woman who might have expectations of them is counter-active to this sense of freedom. It is this perceived loss of freedom that they are often resisting.
Many young men will agree that unavailable women can sometimes seem very attractive to them. Some men admit to feeling attracted to pregnant and married women. Perhaps the young women who appear to be able to get whoever they want have learned this and appear unavailable in order to get what they want. A man might be living on his own for the first time. He may be enjoying the discovery that he is able to fend for himself. At this time he might just want to be able to watch a game on TV and be able to spontaneously call his girlfriend to do something together. This position allows him to have some control over how he might spend his weekend and the freedom to change his mind. A girlfriend might view this situation as; "my boyfriend wont commit!" while the boyfriend might be viewing his actions as "I dont want a lifestyle where it feels like Im living with my mother!" A clingy girlfriend poses the same threat. She might not remind him of Mum but her clinginess and questions about what hes doing and wheres hes going can definitely take away the feeling that he is in control of his free time. Some men might really like the girl and want her around but at bay while others might dump her completely not wanting her to cramp their style at all!
Most men interviewed had a lot to say about how difficult it is for them to approach women today. Many believe that things used to be much simpler when our roles were clearly defined. Todays fashion was often referred to as overly provocative and even aggressive. One man said that he felt that some women walk around showing a lot of skin while wearing a facial expression that says, "Piss off!" They discussed how the messages women give can be confusing. They discussed how provocative clothing used to mean "Im easy" but that does not appear to be the case anymore. Surprisingly all men interviewed said they would be more likely to approach a women who doesnt dress provocatively even though the half naked ones are in their words, "nice to look at."
So what are the things women can do to find a boyfriend who will commit? They give us the following pointers about themselves:
THE DONTS:
*Dont ask too many questions right from the start about where this relationship is going. Right now we want it to go nowhere. We just want to get to know you.
*Dont dress as though you are a whore. We might spend the night with you but were not likely to view you as a "keeper."
*Dont ask us if we think its time to move in together. If we havent even thought of that yet, well freak. If you keep asking, it wont feel like its our own decision when we finally would have been ready. Your asking delays our readiness.
*Dont tell us what you think we should be doing. We already have a mother.
*Dont be so available all the time. It takes away the fun of the chase.
*Dont call so soon or so much. Let us miss you so that you can enjoy getting a phone call now and then too. If you want to listen to our voicemails over and over again, you dont need to tell us about it. We feel more secure about you when we know that you like us AND your feet are on the ground.
*Dont tell your friends all about "us." We feel that we should have a say too in how and when people perceive us as a couple.
*Dont ever use the word commitment in front of us unless you are referring to crazy people being committed to asylums!
*Dont flirt with our friends to make us feel jealous. It wont make us want you more. Even if we did like you, now well have to dump you so that our friends wont see us as pathetic.
*Dont be so independent that we think youre not interested. Just like you, we also have insecurities.
*Dont nag or whine about the relationship. Well wonder why you would want commitment from someone who makes you so miserable. And we dont particularly want to be with someone whos miserable.
*Dont give ultimatums such as; "we commit to each other now or I leave." If you would leave us over something that trivial then maybe youre not serious enough about this relationship in our eyes.
THE DOS
*Do allow us the time we need to get over the fear of rejection so that we also can experience the jitters as we dial your number. Those jitters are part of the fun. If you always call first, you are taking away an opportunity for us to experience the exciting moments of the first stages of the relationship.
*Do play hard to get, be unavailable, and keep us guessing... We also like skipping a heartbeat.
*Do tell us that youll have to check your calendar when we suggest an activity. Well be flattered when we find that you took time out of your busy schedule just for us.
*Do things by yourself sometimes and with your friends. Your interests make you interesting. If you make your whole world revolve around us you risk being perceived by us as not that bright because we dont think were that fascinating.
*Do understand that we wont always want what you want. We think its perfectly normal to be able to say, "Nah, I dont want to move in with you yet, do you feel like a pizza?" We would expect a yes or a no about the pizza. If you hold onto your heart and exclaim that you cant understand how we can suggest eating pizza in the same sentence that weve delivered devastating news to you, were likely to think that youve gone a little loony!
*Do be the fun and happy person we first fell in love with. Please dont become those sad whiny pathetic types who sulk about wanting more from this relationship. We cant think of any reason why wed want to hang out with one of those types for very long.
The men interviewed also thought we might like some insight into what turns them on or off at the dating stage. Here is their list of things where they think we sometimes go wrong.
Men like to think over how the date went and work up the courage to call. They also like to have the option to bow out gracefully by not calling again. They feel that their not calling should be viewed as a polite way to let her know that they are not interested in seeing her again and they feel that its a clear message. If the woman calls them, they might go out with her one more time because they didnt have the courage to say they are not interested. But they will still not be interested in pursuing a relationship.
If the woman brings up a second date when the first is not over they are very likely to pull away. Once again, they feel they need TIME. Not to mention that they are not calling the shots if she is the one to bring it up. Some men said that if they really like the woman and are hoping that she will want to meet again it is exciting if she subtly alludes to an event in the future. This way they can choose to pick up on it or not. But they definitely dont want to hear, "My friend is having a party next week, do you want to go?"
Several men said that it is annoying if a woman doesnt seem to be clued in to signs they might be giving. Most agreed that it is often the women that they dont want to see again who will appear out of touch. Their recommendation to us is that we should look for clues so that they dont have to be cruel if the situation turns into one in which we like them more than they like us.
They all wanted to give this bit of advice: dress appropriately! They tend to think that an outfit that appears to be worn with the intention of exciting men sexually is a sexual message. They feel that if a woman dresses modestly she is giving them the message that she might want more from them than sex and these days that is flattering to them.
However the questions were asked, the answers were always rather consistent. It appears as though men dont really understand why some women are so concerned about commitment so early on in a relationship. They also said loud and clear that they are more likely to commit to women who dont appear at all concerned about commitment. One interviewee left me with an interesting thought. He said that maybe womens issue with men not committing was not a result of mens behaviour but rather of womens misperceptions about what commitment is. He said that perhaps men understand that commitment is something that grows naturally and can not be forced or decided upon.
From the feedback given, it sounds as though they think that if a woman who feels that her relationship has not grown naturally at a pace acceptable to her, she is better off leaving than hanging around and whining or waiting. It sounds as though feeling that a woman is waiting for something more is enough to make them lose interest. In those cases leaving leaves open the possibility to meet someone who does move at the same pace.
After all was said it appeared to me that one of the smartest things a woman who wants a man to commit can do is to pretend that shes really not ready for commitment. When their fear of "ending up with a clingy girlfriend" is removed they are able to think rationally and be comfortable in a committed relationship.
Katy Mutlow is the author of "Why Men Dont Commit" and spends a great deal of her own full-time writing day creating short pieces for regular, high ticket rewards.
Katy recommends more at: [http://www.mancatchers.com]
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