I receive tons of emails that when squeezed down to the juice are all asking the same thing - how do we get men to call us after what we thought was a great date and to answer the phone when we call the nth time asking him why we havent heard from him in a long time? How, how do we get men to pursue us? These women are confused as to why the guys they really like dont seem to pay them any attention and the ones they cant stand just dont want to go away. Theyve tried kitty purring and theyve tried playing "impossible to get" and the only thing still chasing them is their own shadow.
The truth is, I have been trying to avoid writing about this subject mainly because there are many confusing "RULES" on what women can do to become more successful with the male gender - and both extremes have large followings.
On one hand we are told that men have a fragile ego that needs stroking until your paws go sore. We are told pouting your sweet lips puerile-like and aaahing and oohing his every move will increase his feelings for you. Never point out his mistakes or try to out smart him. Verbal attacks or contradicting him hurts his feelings, so veil sharp criticism into tender kittys purrrrs. Flirting with other men will make him jealous, and he might even walk out. In short, smile often, lie down and pretend to be dead and - oooohhh - remember to purr-rrrr every time he asks you if are still alive!.
On the other hand we are told men pine after bitches poised as vixens who maintain their power, independence and autonomy by making men slave for their attention. And to be the bitch men queue to get her telephone number you must act aloof when he approaches you. Brush him off - persistently. Dont show him how you feel - act like other things are more important than him. And when he calls you to postpone a date because he has some urgent business matter to attend to, tell him you already have another date anyway. In other words, play impossible to get, pretend that you do not like men and then they will come after you in droves..
Now, if I didnt know that a lot of this advice comes from either Prude Goodie-Two-Shoes who has such a low-self esteem that she re-arranges her whole life around a man and acts like his helpless appendage or from Cruella de Vil who has suffered many disappointments that she wants to get back at the male race for all her misfortunes, I would have thrown up my hands and found me another career, because if women really followed either approach, itd lead to misery for everybody concerned. Wed only have self-indulged mamas boys or those nagging losers after us. Worst of all, wed never find true love pretending to be who we are not. But again some women would rather take anything in pants than be all by themselves.
What many women dont know and men dont tell us is that men love the illusion of being the hunters and are thrilled by the thought of chasing a real (or imagined) foxy woman. So to get the men to pursue you, you must have some sort of spin to your game plan. What that means is that even if you are a tender-hearted gazelle or ram-butt like a buffalo but can put a spin to the chase, you are most likely be to perceived as game.
The "Spin" is universal in its appeal. A spin is different from "tricks" or deceitful acts. A spin is a little playfulness with a bit of mystery in it. It gives the sense of novelty or "newness" a code that seems to be pre-programmed in the male gene. It is what you do to build up intrigue; with every lingering look, every expression, every body move you make him wonder what makes you tick and whats going on in your "sexy" head.
Like when I was still single and dating, Id have a guy come up to me (how Id make him come to me will be the subject of another article), hed usually introduces himself..."my name is Denzel Washington" (I like to fantasize), Id shake his hand and say "nice meeting you Denzel" and stop at that. Hed then ask "and what is your name?" Playfully I ask "what would you like it to be?" Most guys are not ready for this...and I can literally see their testosterone level go up. Most of them laugh nervously, some even blush - those who can blush - and keep asking the same question. I just laugh and walk away foxy-like (notice I said "walk" away not "run away). For those of you who might not understand what a "foxy-walk" is, think Harley Berry in Cat Woman. Some follow me around and from their body language I can read that they are thinking "this is going to be interesting". Others laugh, hang around a while and then go to mingle and meet other women.
I had guys go away and come back to ask for my name. And they can do this at intervals the whole evening. If I really liked a guy, Id in the course of the evening "accidentally" bump into him. And if he was interested hed ask for my name again. This time I ask him to call me anything that comes to his mind. Whatever he calls me, I smile and say "Thank you, from now on my name is Mystery" or whatever name he gives me and again walk away - foxy-like. I had guys steal up behind my back and call me by the name they gave me...and I was always alert...I promptly answered like it had been my name all my life...
Once I met my match (or he thought he was). He sort of had my "number" because he was pressing all the right buttons. I found his direct, saucy and self-confident ways rather very seductive. This 40 - something white man reminded me of the boys in my native village - the cockiness and self-confidence I am yet to see anywhere else in the world. Their every look, word, touch and every breath is so alive with erotic electricity and without saying a word they pay your whole body compliments, ask questions just with eye expression alone. Their "come and get me" stubbornness can be irritating but at the same time you feel the tagging on your heart-strings and before you know it they got you hooked on that you forget they cant even read or write let alone recite the alphabet. How many men do you know can make you feel like a sex goddess and ravish you with just they eyes alone, Hmmm? Theirs is seduction in its purest form!
Anyways, my evenings heartthrob suddenly vanished and for the rest of the evening, ignored me. When I was just about to leave (I am sure he was watching me how else would he have known I was planning to leave...) he came and asked for my telephone number. I gave him a piercing look then said "Okay, even if you ignored me the whole evening - and by the way that really hurt, I will give you my number because you look like a lot of fun". See, the message I was passing on was "I am also a lot of fun and you you have no idea what you are missing". I wrote my number on a blank card - I didnt give guys I was interested in my business card because when they read "Dating Coach", theyd will never call, so I always had a nice set of blank cards.
He took the card and turned to go. And as he walked away, I called him and in a matter of fact said "Shawn, the best time to call me is between 10 pm and midnight" my work day doesnt finish until about 10 p.m.. He nodded. But it was obvious to me he was the kind of man who wanted to be in control and didnt like a woman telling him when to call her. So I said "if a man picks up the phone, please just tell him that we met today" ( I had a male friend visiting from out of town). He walked back and asked "Do you have a boyfriend?" To which I replied "Call me", winked and I left. He called me that very night. He wanted to know if I had a boyfriend and by the way he said "what is your name?"
Forget about "THE RULES" that only over-complicate everything. The real fact of the matter is that guys want women who can be down-to-earth, genuine and original. Women who are bold, assertive and flirtatious. They want the chase as much as they want the woman and they still want the chase to continue even when hes married you. And if you want to keep his interest you must remain the woman he was chasing in the first place. Spins dont have to be just for getting attention. If there is a connection and the relationship moves forward, come up with other new spins which feel natural and compliment your personality. A spin has got to be NEW and fresh every time - and mysterious - leaving LITTLE to his imagination. But dont paint the whole picture for him, it takes out the mystery and turns him off instead of on.
You see, when a man meets a woman he automatically imagines what life with her would be like. A spin gives men the mystery and challenge which for most of them (unfortunately for us women who want to be appreciated for more, like our emotional and spiritual strengths) means a woman who they can bond with mentally and sexually. I dont want to disappoint my "sisters of the move" but on a first or second meeting it is really hard to tell your emotional or spiritual strengths by just looking or talking for a few minutes and if you keep forcing it down their throats you are yesterdays toast. Bottom line is that men are first attracted to women who are uninhibited and look like they love fun just as much as they do. And the way they tell that is by how a woman "advertises her potential....cute, fun, smart, fun, self-confident, fun, sexy, fun, caring, fun... you get the picture . A woman who is so stuck-up is every mans nightmare, even for those guys who themselves are uptight.
There are more than a thousand ways for a woman to show that she can rock a mans world without resorting to "cheap" selling or aggressive marketing. The other thing that turns men off is excessive concern over details or trivial matters - stop sweating the small stuff and look at the big picture. Do you want a man who loves you unconditionally or do you want a bunch of roses that wither away only after a couple of days? Hello? If you can get both wonderful, but if you have to choose, my dear sister, choose the man!
But what probably turns men off most is showing a desperate need for attention and affection. We women are born natural therapists but men are not. If you are the kind of woman who needs someone every now and then to listen to how bad your cellulite is or why your cat only eats cereal, get yourself a good set of girlfriends or call your mama or sister if you have one...and for Gods sake get yourself a life. Dont pretend to have one just to get him to chase you, but a real life, a career, a hobby or volunteer at a childrens organization or elderly peoples home, so that when the phone rings you dont drop everything else to go suck up to a guy and then wonder why the guys you really like dont like you and the ones who dont do a thing for you linger around like cheap perfume.
Girlfriend, my advice to all women is, if he is in sight and the day is right, dont wait for him to come to you, take matters into your hands and hunt him down - BUT remember men like the illusion of being the hunter, dont deprive them of their chance to do their hunting. You and I know too well, in the end the hunter gets captured by the game. And just in case you are interested ... this "spin" thingy works magic in the bedroom too... The truth is, if your man isnt challenged enough, he will go find the challenge elsewhere.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of e-Books: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness, Breaking A Bad Relationships Pattern, and Playing Hard-To-Get The Love Way.
http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
http://www.playinghardtogettheloveway.com
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